Love Is Suicide <3|
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|Wednesday, December 4th, 2013|
|Mind over matter and I wont get...
The world around her she sits in silence. Tapping her ballet flats to the sound of her fast beating heart.
Her shaking hands clasp eachother in an attempt to calm herself. "Come on not again. I just ate" she begs herself. Pinching her bones she wimpers "I fucking hate this. I just had a piece of toast what more do you want from me?". She goes to her calorie counting website. She calculates the different things she can eat.. 10 minutes goes by. She shakes her head to make the room stop spinning if only for a second. "Coffee?" she thinks,
no, that will only make her shake and panic faster. Stop it stop it stop fucking shaking. stop hurting. stop feeling this way what the fuck is wrong with YOU?She breathes heavier. Its the hardest feeling to describe. People ask her whats wrong "Im really dizzy" she tells them. "Ill be fine".
The day ends. She sits in her car crying. I dont want to eat please make it stop IM NOT HUNGRY she begs anyone that will listen. She gets home. She cant hold the key to open her apartment door. She drops her bag twice. She lays down... She gets up. Goes to the fridge.. shuts it lays down.. gets up. Diet Snapple and 6 crackers. "Maybe im just getting sick" she tries to convince herself. "Everyone in my office is getting sick, maybe Im getting the flu". She goes upstairs to lay down. She'll be better when she wakes.. if she wakes.
I dont know if anyone will ever read this and if they do.. I know you probably dont like me and are just stalking me out wondering how I am everyday.. Well.. there is your answer. That is my life. EVERY..SINGLE..DAY. I am so blessed with an amazing Man, Family, Friends, Job, life..
but she haunts me forever. Relapse is my enemy and only I am the answer. I made this public because I don't really give a fuck. We all have our issues. Im strong, I'm proud. I will survive...like it or not <3 Current Mood: hopeful
|Monday, July 6th, 2009|
THIS GUY JUST CALLED ME 36 TIMES IN 4 MINUTES BEGGING ME TO COME OUT
36 FUCKING TIMES !!
GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU GOD DAMN LOSER !
He texted me the other day and I told him I was at a party and he said "whatever I'm not interested in you anyway"
so I laughed and said "Uhh I was never interested in you to begin with " So he writes back "Well come over I want to make this work"
MAKE WHAT WORK YOU FUCKING TOOL? WE HUNG OUT ONCE AND YOU WERE ALL UP IN MY PIECE AND I TOTALLY SHOT YOU DOWN. YOU ONLY GOT MY NUMBER FROM SOME BROAD THAT USED TO BE MY FRIEND.. Just because you slept with over 100 broads doesn't mean you can get THE BEST ONE ! Stopppppppp !!
I told him to lose my number and drop off the earth pretty much. Ewww !!!!
GUYS ARE SO FUCKING EMO AND BITCHY ! GET OVER IT <3
In other news... The 4th was the best ever. Spent it at my coworkers brothers house with everyone. 200 people, bands, food, drinks... and ... I'm not jinxing it yet ;) Current Mood: chipper
|Tuesday, June 16th, 2009|
|Writer's Block: Set the Scene
Empty parking garages, roadside motels, dark caves, dank basements, overgrown forests—what kind of setting makes you feel nervous?
Planes, The In-Laws, The doctors waiting room, The twilight premiere.. That makes me nervous cause I'm afraid someone will live after I drunk drive a boat through the building :) Current Mood: amused
|Friday, June 5th, 2009|
|Wednesday, May 13th, 2009|
|Side of the Road
We've been building
Destroying and Making
While they were suffering
They screamed and they cried
Only have time to say goodbye
It was over before we left
don't pretend <3
I believe in fate more and more as I believe in you less and less...
Leave me go back to where you belong...You were never yourself.. .you are .. A FUCKING PUPPET.
All for one.. that one is me.. You'll never break me Current Mood: creative
|Thursday, April 30th, 2009|
Don't think just breathe.. Phone on hold.. You wonder where its going...Who the fuck is calling ...
You're lost ... I'm never found. Its not about where you end up .. its about the people that you meet
on the way there. Never fear for I am here...
I am in love with the song ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcANFVcJeOM
It just really seems to fit my life as of late....its about either going for what you know you could have
or staying because its all you ever wanted.
I think I might be on the verge of a vanishing act. From the bars, from the idiots of the world.
I just want to be peaceful.. Just want to kayak the rivers and be with those I love ..
I can't keep up with everyone anymore..I'm sick of "getting drunk" with a bunch of random people..
Can't wait for my roadtrip.. I need to relax.. Work is stressing me the fuck out...
Just gotta breathe <3 Current Mood: hopeful
|Thursday, April 23rd, 2009|
What a long mother fucking week.. Oy VAYYY ! End already !!!
I can't wait for the weekend. Volleyball, the beach, and hopefully some kite boarding :) Current Mood: peaceful
I haven't been in 2 years and never really told anybody about my whole adventure with loving to kiteboard..
They'll be shocked at my skills of how hard I can throw myself into water while screaming.
I sent a long letter and flowers and candy to my Friend's family :(... Its a shame that they live in Florida :(
It would of been such an honor to say goodbye to their son face to face. Blah.
In other news. I can't wait to move !! Tminus 3 weeks ahhhh ! I'm NOT going to miss Rochester AT ALL !!!
Fuck this placey ! I'll write updates about my moving adventures and such.
Speaking of Work .... Today was lame. I got bitched at because I'm one of the girls ... I didn't even do anything wrong.. but because she was off and I was master and commander, my boss let me have it for her mistakes. Just notted my head and did my job. I zinged him when he yelled at me for something until I explained to him that he was wrong and I was right..*shrugs shoulders* Todays my anniversary there :) I'm super happy about working there. I LOVE the people and I thinik they all treat me like their daughter (being 10 years younger than everyone), and they have shown me SO MUCH about growing. I said something quite profound today... "We don't grow up we just out grow". Andy and I had a talk the other day about learning to outgrow people, the things you've done, how you used to be, and how its helped you change for the better . :)
My two coworkers and I all had a heart to heart about that as well. I've wasted so much time on everything and I am so blessed to be where I am now, with the people I am with <3.
I can't wait to move ... I can't wait to be closer :):):):) !!!! GET ME OUT OF THIS DRAMA FILLED HORRIBLE HORRIBLE TOWNNN !!!!
|Monday, April 20th, 2009|
|People disgust me
One of my best friends from Florida was killed yesterday.
I don't have many details... I can't stop fucking crying. I've been sobbing at work for 3 hours. I can't do anything. I just sit here and stare out the window at the rain. This kid was fucking amazing.
He was so beauitful, kind, supportive, nice, always gave the best advice, always listened to what you had to say, believed in everyone, taught me how to forgive and forget, and always made me laugh.
He was so amazing and its such a shame to lose someone so wonderful <3
08/26/86 - 04/19/09 Current Mood: crushed
|Thursday, April 9th, 2009|
|Work and Booze and Work and Booze
I'm going to start carrying around pictures and autographing them for people <3
In other news, I'm working on my pictures! :)
I got an amazing job offer (its still for the same place) but I'm going back to school for 3 classes to become a public adjuster then moving to Hamburg :) thats a $40,000 raise bitches ! I move hopefully at the end of May and I'm apprenticing and being a secondary adjuster for around a year first. I finally got my paperwork back and a stampy for being a notary.. its neat ! :):) I'm super proud of myself ! I like that I can legalize papers.
Last weekend was pretty uneventful... OMG ... except Friday.. (my slide down)
God save me...I went to the Dope, Sevendust, BLS show. I was in the middle of the pit
THE WHOLE TIME! I lost my cell phone until some random guy gave it back to me 900 hours later. I was too busy
to even notice. BLS played for 2 hours ! It was amazing. I had a small black eye, majorly bruised ribs and
I think my nose was bleeding.. haha. I was kind of wasted. Drank 4 drinks and 6 shots... I left after BLS was in the middle of some random 18 minute song. I stumbled out and my friends kept calling asking where I was. I walked for a mile before I flagged a cab and went to Bugjar...It was pourrring rain and I was soaked (tank in 30 degree weather).. some random girl gave me her sweater (which I still have) I stumbled out of the bar and went to Ocals where my 2 friends (the bartenders) were like "Holy Fuck Jen what happened?!" I just started sobbing and said "I want to go home"..BUT I COULDN'T CAUSE MY DRUNK ASS AWESOME FRIEND HAVE DROVE ME! and him and his new girl were still at the show ! Sooo.. I sat in the booth for an hour sleeping before I finally got a ride home :):)
Saturday was nothing and Sunday was nothing (I don't think at least).
At work now... As soon as I have time (aka today after going over my friends house later if I'm not too out of it, I'll keep on working on those pics ! :)
*Blows kissies* Current Mood: amused
|Friday, April 3rd, 2009|
Its uber craptastic out.. Everyone is sad !
I'm sooo happy its the weekend.. Wow ! This week was quick.. granted I worked 3 days this week...
Yesterday I received great news about my job.. it includes me moving and getting the hell out of this loser town.. I'll discuss it later ;)
Busy Busy today.. I just slammed my knee so fucking hard.. now I'm just like all my other coworkers... bitchy.. They're having a field day about my hair being curly today..
Black Label tonight with some of my old friends and friends from Buffalo.
Then out on the town with them and my girls <3
Saturday is ugly disco but I was asked to go to a going away party for my friend Derek. I already got my disco ticket but meh who knows. Sunday is my spring cleaning day and updation about the weekend that would of just happened and Camaro weekend the weekend before.. :):):):)
Lets see how I can stick to my plans.. probably poorly.. I wish it was last weekend all over again :)
I'm bored. Current Mood: lethargic
|Wednesday, April 1st, 2009|
Had the most amazing weekend ever. I'm still on cloud a million from it :)
I haven't been this happy in a really really long time !!!
Camaro is the best band in the fucking universe <3
Sooo much fun ! ahhhhhhhhh !
My rib cage and neck is thrashed ! Love it !!
I'll have to post pics and stories soon. Lock em down.. cause you couldn't handle
seeing my awesomeness ;)
I'm crazy right now. I'm cranking NOFX and Jake right now.. its kind of neat
I love work... Back to it..
post soon.. Sooo many stories...
SUPER HYPER !!! :):):):) Current Mood: bouncy
|Monday, March 23rd, 2009|
|Hate to but have to... Set it free..
I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If we ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye Current Mood: curious
|Sunday, March 15th, 2009|
|Speak for yourself..
My friend just wrote this amazing note about her life and what she has done wrong. How she is really sad and how she was sorry to those she wronged. How she wants to start over....My response to her note was
"its not who you are that holds you back, its who you think you're not. The first step to getting it right, is admitting when you're wrong... Everyone is convinced eventually. Stay your path..you'll find it soon enough." Current Mood: contemplative
She wrote back to me "Can you read what you just wrote" and I simply wrote back "Thank you".
I'm so on my period *cries*
Life is so beautiful.. when you see yourself
|Wednesday, March 11th, 2009|
|Sassy Box !
*Yawn* Life has been amusingly boring as of late..
I'm so tired today ! I was supposed to go to a concert but meh.. oh well...
I seriously can not wait for the summer. Get me out of here !!! Road Trip ahhh ! :)
I was reading my yearly horoscope at work today (nothing to do for a few hours) and
it said "A road trip in July with a friend will be the break through that you've been looking
for all of your life" .. Oh I could take that so many different ways. I just hope it means I finally
have a moment of surreal inner peace :)
Going shopping tomrw and then out of town for the weekend probably...hopefully..Need blood
work done.. again.. ewwww.. bah...
I've been totally slacking on reading journals as of late. So be prepared to be bombarded
with my comments the next few days :)
And now... the conversation of the day ....
"Jen are you seriously drinking a Hi-C juice box?"
" Um... Yes... Yes I am"
"My 10 year old son drinks those"
"So does the person that took over your job"
:) Current Mood: Soo Lazy
|Monday, March 9th, 2009|
My friend Kerry and I decided that we are going on a roadtrip the last two weeks of July... I'm going to write
why we are going to where we are going.. but for now.... Heres a rough draft :):) I'm so happy that I finally
have a friend that I can trust to drive a car (without killing me). Haha
ROCHESTER NY TO CHICAGO IL
Total Estimated Time: 10 hours 14 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 611.74 miles
CHICAGO IL TO SAN FRANCISCO CA
Total Estimated Time: 31 hours 6 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 2130.01 miles
SAN FRANCISO CA TO SANTA MONICA CA
Total Estimated Time: 5 hours 54 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 381.45 miles
SANTA MONICA CA TO SAN DIEGO CA
Total Estimated Time: 2 hours 17 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 131.15 miles
SAN DIEGO CA TO LAS VEGAS NEVADA
Total Estimated Time: 5 hours 5 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 328.48 miles
LAS VEGAS NEVADA TO AUSTIN TEXAS
Total Estimated Time: 19 hours 4 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 1296.97 miles
AUSTIN TEXAS TO CLEVELAND OHIO
Total Estimated Time: 21 hours 36 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 1383.28 miles
CLEVELAND OHIO TO ROCHESTER NY Current Mood: excited
Total Estimated Time: 4 hours 12 minutes
Total Estimated Distance: 250.10 miles
I insisted that we go to San Diego... COMIC CON !!!!!!!! Wooooo!!!!!!
|Saturday, March 7th, 2009|
|Bars and Blood
Just got home from the bars..
Realized that I'm so over drinking..
Didn't have a single drink tonight ! couldn't anyway...
My blood test.
Had fun with my girl Kerry. This guy was IN LOVE with her and it was cute to see him and his friends attempt to get her phone number. Guys are all the same..Weirdos ! I just sat in the corner drinking my water.. I started not feeling that well.
Shot some darts and was bored. Shot the shit with this kid via Ed knowing for 10 minutes..yeah that wasnt strange or anything. (Sarcastic meter explodes)
Got into a fight with this group of guys who made this chick cry... They attacked her and she
was in the corner sobbing.. I asked her what happened and she showed me who they were (she had
a camera and was taking pictures for a local newspaper!) Soooo.. Sober and all I walked up to
those 3 guys and proceeded to say "Who the fuck do you think you are? You fucking assholes" To which
they started yelling at me and I just said "Fucking do something about it see what the fuck happens" and they left.
I DO NOT put up with chicks being attacked by groups of guys EVER! Fuck that. I don't care if you're my worst enemy, if you're a chick and you're being attacked, I'm fucking jumping in..
Anyyyywayyy.. Around 12 I started getting really sick and dizzy :( So Kerry and I drove back to my place so she could get her car.. then she went back to the bars with her boy and his friends and I'm home now and about to go nite nite worlds :)
I hate the fact that I'm so damn sick :( I'm getting tested for like a million things tomrw. Both of my parents are coming with me.. Mainly because they know I'm going to pass out and end up in the fucking hospital..
I'm starving but can't eat for the next 9 hours... I'm going to hate tomrw :( Current Mood: geeky
|Thursday, March 5th, 2009|
Woke up yesterday and my heart was in so much fucking pain that I couldn't breathe !
Went to work and left around 10... Came home blood pressure extremely low
Went to the doctor.. Fluids in my heart and lungs, needed to be drained tube down my throat
and blah and blah and blah... blood blood blood.. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! Was there 12-5.
I have a shit load of blood work on Saturday. I have to get my blood drawn every 20 minutes for 3 hours !
Some bullshit glucose and anemia test ! Blah ! The Doc says that because of all my stress within the past
few months, my heart, lungs, and intestines have aged rapidly and I'm at risk for a heart attack and heart disease.
I was DX with stress cardiomyopathy.. We all know where that comes from... Blahhhh So much stress. I was told
that I need xanax and a vacation.. and therapy.. We shall see .
I woke up today feeling a little better heart wise. I was perky for around 10 minutes when I was walking around
my house saying "sports sports sports sports sports sports sports sports". :)
I hope that I'm not all wrecked after my date on saturday with the lab... blah !!!!! I want to play not sit and be stabbed
with needles.. Jerks ! Althought I have noooooooo plans whatsoever on Saturday.. at least I don't think. I might call my Aunt / God Mother and see if she wants to do dinner. My family...well.. lets just say that no one gets along and I'm not going to let my family hatred ruin my relationship with the woman who saved my life on more than one occassion.
Ohhhh my Ovaries !
Tminus 4 weeks till vacation. I'm going to be so relaxed, I might explode into a big bowl of rainbow sprinkles ! Current Mood: anxious
|Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009|
|Whoooooa thats good squishy
My car is starting to stall on me
I have a vaca coming up
and bill time is just around the corner...
I checked my account this morning
Oh wouldn't you know an extra $1,091 buckies was in there thanks to tax returns.
I proceeded to drop the phone and wasn't able to breathe for a good minute or two.
I finally cracked a smile :) Current Mood: ecstatic
|Sunday, March 1st, 2009|
|My Date... At the Hospital
Lets see if I can keep sane while writing this...
Friday : I went out at had 3 drinks. At one point I told my one friend "Watch my drink I'll be right back".. Well when I came back she was facing the other way but hopefully she watched it riiiiight? Wellll not so much.
Driving home completely sober I all the sudden threw up blood all over myself The 490 started spinnin and I felt myself passing out. I pulled over to the side of the road, threw up for 20 minutes and finished my drive home.....
Saturday : I was so exicted to go see Joe Bonamassa, but I couldn't.. I was throwing up blood and vomit for HOURSSSS!! 4am-6pm. I called my mom and she came to see me and said "You're still here?..Jen? Jen?" Apparently I was awake but having a massive seizure. She took my blood pressure and said "Bill Bill get up here.. help!" . Thats the last thing I remember before I seizured myself into a somewhat lovely coma. When I woke up I was in the car. I started puking like crazy and sobbing "I've been drugged". I knew that I was at that point.
WHAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT ME: I was a still born with a massive heart defect. I have a severe lack of blood that makes me tired and dizzy just about everyday. I have a whacked out sugar sense and am allergic to just about every medication you can throw out there. To think that someone put some random drug shit in my drink really scared me. Mainly because it could (and did) affect my heart majorly.
My mom works at the hospital and I was raised pretty much by everyone that works there, so the second I waltzed in everyone was like "get her an IV nowwwwwwwww". I proceeded to have 4 more seizures. One of which was so bad that my O2 level was 50% and my blood pressure was dropping. They took my temp.. 104.2...I was forced to drink liquid jello of which I kept throwing up. I passed out as they were taking blood the last thing I saw was someone in the doorway staring at me.. it flipped me out..
I woke up at 3am and took the biggest breath ever. I looked around and flipped out. I had no idea where I was.. My mom calmed me down. I started crying hysterically and throwing up again. I finished throwing up around 5 am and finally got my color back. The doctor took my temp.. 101 and dropping. I was sent home at 7am via wheelchair to car and was brought to bed .. I'm just typing away now.
I'm extremely dizzy and tired. I'll probably go to bed for the rest of the day. I'm probably going to take monday off of work..
I don't even want to say what I was thinking the whole time I was there.... Current Mood: cold
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2009|
|HOLY FUCK ! DREAM OF MY LIFE
I just had the mother fucking scariest dream ever !!! Oh my GOD !!!!
I was living in a townhouse with my parents and I was recording a hockey show
This guy drives by in an RV screaming through these speakers about the Colorado plane crash..
About how everyone is going to die and how we are all going to die.
I was scared and called this number.. I didn't know who it was but no one picked up and I was upset about it
"Please.. im so scared I'm going to die.. they're after me.. its after me" is what I kept saying.. then i just kept repeating
my phone number. The next thing you knew I was in a bath tub. Covered in Black gunk that looked like hair dye. It was at my friends house. Everyone is playing the piano and it sounded horrible.. They
MOTHER FUCKER A WHITE SHADOW JUST FLEW PASSED ME OUTSIDE... I'M FLIPPING OUT
Anyway.. They were telling me that we had to go and save "them" I was walking down the street when I see this
guy around my age get destroyed by a car.. hes completely dead and out of his mouth is crawling that same black gunk
In the car that hit him is a guy also completely dead. I'm looking at him through the passenger side and this cop is holding his neck when
THE KIDS EYES BURST WIDE FUCKING OPEN AND HE STARTS GASPING FOR AIR. I start screaming but the cops boss says "break his neck he has to die!" I start sobbing and BAM! the cop just rips the kids head off. I call the cops boss a cunt and she proceeds to kick me in the face. I fall backwards and land on the floor of my townhouse...
I run upstairs and say "did the colorado plane crash happen yet?" "Oh yeah!" my dad says "He didn't die". "What do you mean he? Who?"
Just then the guy on the speakers came on again. It was a highpitched noise followed by him screaming about the end of the world. I see him walking up my driveway. A really tall man dressed in all black .. I couldn't make out his face. I turned around to talk to my parents and they were gone "we're all going to die" the voice kept saying " Don't let me die.. save me please".. I turned back around and the guy was trying to get in my front door and I woke up ..
*Edit*To dream that a plane crashes, . You are in danger of having unrealistic goals come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power
To dream that you are almost hit by a car or someone is hit by a car, suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with another's. It may also be symbolic of a jolting experience or injured pride.
To dream that you are having a telephone conversation, signifies an issue that you need to confront . This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself. To dream that you having trouble reaching stem from low self-esteem. The feces you come upon in your path suggests feelings of unworthiness and aspects of yourself that you believe are undesirable. Failure in yourself if you can not reach out to someone.
Can't stop sobbing... WOW Current Mood: scared